I can't - I don't want to = Same thing

Some days I would text my friend and ask

"Do you think there's a single good guy out there for me?"

They know me too well. I'm a person filled with many questions.

At the end of every day, I would have a monologue with myself and most days I imagined myself talking to God. -true story-

And lately I realized the question gets frequent.

One day a friend asked me
"Why didn't you give this guy a go? Why so closed up?"

And I answered
"Most guys don't know what they want with me. They get excited with the idea of who I am but when it comes down to it.. They just can't seem to call it anything"

Sad but true in more ways than one..

Then there's the wishy washy kind of guys. Where girls gets over protected over him. Makes you wanna say "Ah cmon.. this is total BS" . The one where you wonder if he has dated this or that girl before.

Then there's an average joe who does not want the world to know about you two.

In the end, all said the same thing

"You are a fun girl to be with....but I can't"

Truth is

I can't is a milder term to I don't want to.

When you are about to step out of your current company.. the ending is either

Sweet or Bitter.

Just like any goodbyes would be.

When I think of leaving my current job, I always imagined a sweet –no grudges goodbyes

But in reality, the later proved to be true.

In my years of service, I’ve heard many sad story about how a boss would get into arguments with staff when they are about to leave the company.

Sadly, I am also reliving that story.

Prior to me joining this department, I was told it’s a nasty department to be in.

A people department with unsmiley faces to simply put.

And the impression, proved to be true.

Here’s the deal

My position used to be occupied by 2 person.

The first person requested for a transfer.

The second person resigned

Then there’s me, whom Insha Allah will be starting a new job elsewhere.

All three, wanted out because of 1 leadership
All three were deemed as “people person”
All were recruited to be the “smile” ambassador.

Here’s the fact

A person can change the perception of this place

But

It always starts with a leadership of that place.
Leader sets the tone. Culture cultivated.

And the fact is

No smiley ambassador can lived in an unsmiley face.

In the end..

No perception can be tamed if it does not start with the leader.

Til then I remain your :) ambassador.

Buck- et list

I want

1. One more Kings of Leon concert. Nothing beats this band live performance.

2. One Republic concert in germany. Why? Biggest fan base means better performance

3. Lifehouse concert in the midwest of U.S

4. World island hopping - best diving spots, I want to see sharks,whales and 1 more time swimming with sea turtle. I want to swim with dolphins.

I think when my mum was carrying me in her belly, perhaps, she wanted a baby boy.

Head turns

"You know what I like to do when I walk next to you?"

"What?"

"Count how many heads that turns to look at you"

So says ex beau.

A little note : This is not a show off entry but rather a realization for me

I'm with a new image now, with hijab to be precise

And now I realized that I am no longer a head turner.

A little note : This is just a venting entry

There are many days that I feel less pretty in it to be honest.
It does dampened my esteem.

Especially when you see hot girls walking past you and you thought

"See those girls, can just take a pick at whichever guy they want"

And when u get remarks like

"U r prettier without it"

I know it's just little remarks but sometime I thought about it a lot.

I hope I have the strength to go thru it :)

Al Araf

"Musa said to his people : "Seek help in Allah and be patient.
Verily, the earth is Allah's. He gives it as a heritage to
Whom He wills od His slaves; and the (blessed) end is for the
Muttaqqun "

7:128

Him-s

People can tell you all sort of stuff about love. How it makes one feel or how badly it hurts.

I guess I know a thing or two about it too.

He likes couple tee, I hate it but I wear it.
He likes soccer, I can only take 15mins of it but I watched it
He likes networking and programming, is that Polish? But I try to understand it.
He likes golf, I doze off mentally but my eyes are awake.

So you accommodate because you WANT to. Mostly because it’s their company you like.

I am sure the multiple “he”s did the same thing for me..

Listened to the same story all over again
Listened to my Arctic Monkeys cd all over again
Listened to me going gaga for Kaka now Torres
Listened to my multiple AuWWwss and Wohoos!

But that’s what people do, they accommodate.

I’ve also come to learn a few things from the multiple hims

A few adventurous things

I learned to eat masak lemak
I learned that Paul Reed Smith is a guitar brand
I know who is Allen Iverson
I know that Ashworth is a golf brand.

We can all be intrigued by this feeling and places we go. We can start at the same page and end on a different book.
In the end, it just does not work out.

You tell yourself to hope for someone, you deserve someone better and honestly you do.

But all it takes is for one person to recognize that you are his exceptions.
All the rules he imposed previously, are broken.
All the places he venture to, he will go with you.
And you want him to be proud of being with you.

Always hope but never expect.
When that day comes and you meet the only him. He will be thankful that you did not get back with the multiple hims.

But til you meet him.

You pray because only God knows who is best for you.

1,2,3,4

So it's true, Muslim man can get married up til four.

-AND-

God created women with more desires as compared to man. We are soft and sensitive in nature.

So you know where this is heading to?

The Polygamy issue.

My stand? I have not thought about it thoroughly. Let me;

1. Find a man
2. Get married

Then only speak/worry about the big vocab : POLYGAMY

Here's the usual scenario

Man's saving grace: It is allowed in Islam.

Women's saving grace: Are we talking lust or just?

Typical of both men and woman.

So I was reading Surah An-Nisa' (The Women)

Here is what I found

They ask your legal instruction concerning women, say : Allah instructs you about them and about what is recited to you in the Book concerning orphan girls whom you give not the prescribed portions (as regarded Mahr and inheritance) and yet whom you desire to marry, and (concerning) the children who are weak and oppressed, and that you stand firm for justice to orphans. And whatever good you do, Allah is Ever All-Knower of it. 4:127

I believe the criteria of girls that a guy can marry more are orphans and according to stories of Prophets , most women are either divorced or slaves.

Not a young, single, career woman that are well taken care off :P

And if woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better. And human inner self is swayed by greed. But if you do good and keep away from evil, verily, Allah is Ever Well-Acquainted with what you do 4:128

If you see clearly, Muslim women are well respected. Their rights are clearly stated in the Quran. As contrary to "Western" assumptions. I suppose Yvonne Ridley comes across this surah too as she is writing about muslim women and their rights.

You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much(to one of them by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave (the other) hanging (i.e neither divorce or married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah (by keeping away from all that is wrong), then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. 4:129

The word in bold pretty much sums it up.:)

But if they separate (by divorce), Allah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His bounty. And Allah is Ever All-Sufficient for His creatures' needs, All Wise 4:128

I believe Allah knows best. He is All Knowing and He is All Just.

Polygamy on a man's part is bigger than what a typical man dream off.

I believe one should follow His Guidance, treat their woman right, financially stable and the terms and conditions goes on- before one decided to get married to more wives.

I believe woman should really know ourselves and emotions well, be close to God, read the rewards/punishment if one's husband decided to embarked on polygamy. Soul searching to sum it up.

POLYGAMY is a big word, more difficult than just counting 1,2,3,4.

It is not just pure leisure nor pure drama.

I respect those who are able to go through emotional journey with polygamy.

Till then, I remain a humble servant.

Have a blissful day everyone.